Stepping Out of the Shadow and Into the Light
Last week I performed a one act play on the kitchen floor, in which I recalled a stream of consciousness I had just written down. Michael watched everything unfold while doing the dishes, a constant pillar of support. Stepping out of my shadow in full, here we go:
I was born a creator, always doodling and sharing stories. Harnessing these gifts, I built a design business that to others, seems like it would be the perfect position for someone like me. But on the inside, it became increasingly clear that I wasn’t meant to sustain it forever. And holy shit is that realization scary. To be 30 years old, running a profit generator of my own making, working with great people and companies all over the world … all while feeling that it is not enough.
But can I say that out loud? Can I disrupt my outward appearance of success and tell the world that I feel like I'm being split open, with my truth quietly pouring out? That my innate need to create and doodle and share is causing a shift in my purpose and internal self. That I dream about creating retreat circles and leading meditations and yoga and talking deeply about astrology and energy and all things consciousness. There’s dance parties and crying and hugging and openness. Earth and air and water and fire. I see my children there, too, because I’ve actually, cross my heart, seen them in my own meditations and dreams. But again, can I say that out loud? That I feel that I know them, even though they are not yet here? I've been so afraid to share all of this. Because there are friends and family who will choose not to understand, dubbing me a hippie in the corner. And maybe I'm okay with that, but still, at the same time, I want to be loved and accepted as all humans do.
So I think of my truest self, the one that I’ve come to love. And I know deep in my bones that it’s becoming more and more restricting to stay in the shadows. I share bits and pieces here and there, but it’s never enough. Because what is living if you are not in your whole and absolute truth?
Hi hello my name is Breanna. And I'm ready to step into the light. "And so the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." — Anais Nin.